Dear Crazy F*cking Family Members….

Dear Crazy F*cking Family Members,

Thank you so much for your inspirational words yesterday afternoon.  And the fact that you picked 5:30pm, and an hour and half before my shift ended, also known as crunch time, to flip out about things I had no conrol over was especially appreciated.  How did you know that questioning my profesional judgement and character would be the perfect recipe to win me over.  Of course everyone knows insulting the nurse is the best way to get more care and attention for your loved one, and it is definitly what pushes me from just doing my job and going the extra mile to make a difference in all of your lives.  I am also thankful that you chose the time when I am caring for a dying man and his greiving wife, preparing a very scared patient for a CT scan to see if she has yet another abscess in her abdomen, and being blissfully unaware that my third patients blood sugar is dropping dangerously low.  Besides the fact that I am already worried about a very ill friend in the hospital, the anniversary of my father’s death, which is sadly mirrors my early mentioned dying patient, and the fact that I’m going to now be late leaving work and I still have to pick up my son and make it home in time for my husband to leave for work.  In case I forgot to say it, thank you so F*CKING much!

It was evident that your mother’s health was your number one priority and not just showing what kind of A-HOLE you really are.  I mean screaming at me about your mothers 204/119 blood pressure, right in front of her was so loving and caring, I’m sure she appreaciated that, as she responded by increasing her systolic blood pressure (that’s the top number, honey) to 221 for a short time.  And the fact that you left before you knew if anything had been resolved, shows true compassion.

But, because I am a nurse, and it is also part of my job to teach, I will share with you some of my knowledge and insight.  First, acting like a pyschopath does not make me do my job any better.  I do my job regardless, not for you, not for the money (especially on days like this), not for the thanks or lack there of.  I do it because it is what I am supposed to do, it is ingrained in my soul to take care of others, regardless.  Secondly, acting this way not only offends me, but it scares the other staff members.  Demanding to speak to people, who by the way, still won’t be able to accomplish what you’re tying to get me to accomplish, only makes them run faster from you.  Proven by the Nurse Supervisor, Director of Nursing, and on-call MD all carefully avoiding any conversation with you, leaving just me, the brave floor nurse to deal with you.  And lastly, your mother is not swollen, SHE’S FAT.  In case it has escaped your realization, she’s 345 pounds!   A fact that I can understand you missing since none of you seemed to be less than 230 pounds yourself.  But please do not insult me by thinking I cannot tell the difference between fat and fluid!  And although she did have some minor swelling, something that has not changed for the 3 days I took care of her, she is also a dialysis patient, they tend to hold some extra fluid, especially on days they are not dialyzed!!!!

For future reference, if you really do think you can care for her better yourself, go right ahead.  Sign her out of the hospital AMA.  But have fun trying to figure out how to work that pesky ‘breather machine’.  And good luck getting her fat ass back and forth to the dialysis clinic, not to mention the fact that it will probably take you all 11 of your siblings just to roll her over to wipe her ass 3-4 times a day!  Also if you think you know what medicines she should be on, then by all means, quit your crappy job and go to medical school and then you can be her physician.  In the mean time, know that I am not her MD, and I cannot make her MD do something he doesn’t want to.  I cannot make him answer the 10 pages I sent out, and I cannot just ‘give her some medicine’. 

I was her nurse, an RN, which means Register Nut!!!  Because I will come back next week and do this shit all over again, with a smile on my face.  And although I won’t get the pleasure of dealing with you again, even I’m not that sadistic, there will no doubt be more f*cked up family members in my future!

Toodles,

A nurse who came back to wipe away your mothers tears long after you all had left!

Save a Megabyte, keep your useless beauracratic officialism on paper!

I had a thought recently.  Rare and frightening, I know.  It occured while reading a nurse blog post complaining about JCAHO and the accompanying paperwork.  Although I have plenty of paperwork to do between my daily hospital admits and home health admits, it seems as though ERNursey has just a few more.  And for a minute, I was glad.  But then, a terrible dread came over me.  I was panicked, tachycardic, SOB, and diaphoretic. 

Currently both of my positions still utilize the original (and IMHO, the simplest) form of documentation, paper.  But eventually it will change to electronic.  I do not look forward to this, as I am not one who typically welcomes change easily.  Especially since Hospital Chaos has already tried to make this change, even though all the bugs weren’t worked out of the program, even though the nurses expressed how much double and triple documenting they would be doing without the suits even pretending like they cared, thereby further decreasing our patient care time, even though we didn’t even have enough freaking computers for everyone to chart on, even though this was a pilot e-doc program and we were the guinnea pigs.  Luckily someone grew some brain axons and decided to postpone the project for now…..but I digress.

I became so anxious because I realized that even though we have way too much paperwork now, the amount of new flowsheets, more detailed care plans, and various other CYA procedure sheets that could be flung upon us once we begin ‘e-doc-ing’ would be paralyzing. 

It doesn’t take too much imagination to see a time when you litearlly spend more time charting than you do provided the patient care you’ve charted.  I’ve had days where it was atleast a close tie.  Have Annie Ashen pull a PEA, and you’ll easily spend 1/2 the shift charting.  Bobbie BM ensures the laundry people have excellent job security…again, and you’ll be eating lunch while describing the qualities of his last hershey squirt.  Have Bobbie BM and Annie Ashen in the same assignment…..you’d better put on a pot of keep go Joe, take the chart to the stairwell, and start raking in the time and a half.  You are most certainly gonna chart the care more than you provided the care ! 

A tangled mess

I am convinced there are creatures living under my daughters bed.  Every night they come out to torment her in her sleep, but they are so sly and quiet that she doesn’t even notice them.  Occasionally she will wake up, but they are so tiny  she doesn’t realize they are in her bed.  I haven’t determined yet if she does something specific to irritate them, or if they just prefer little girls.  They do not seem to have any effect on the boys.  She calls them “Da Nassy Nauts”.  During the day, they collect carpet lint and other fuzzes and hold them until the attack.  Then, while she slumbers they massacre her beautiful curly hair.  Armed with the carpet fuzz, a very small teasing comb, and some kind of adhesive, they creativly weave themselves with the fuzz into her locks. 

I have tried several tactics to ward off ”Da Nassy Nauts”, all unsuccessful.  I have tried leave-in conditioner, a pony tail, letting her go to bed with wet hair, damp hair, dry hair, brushed hair, messy hair, silky pillow, cotton pillow, no pillow. Nothing seems to help. 

In the morning it’s anyones guess as to how her hair will look.  And how long it will take to brush out all those “Nassy Nauts”.  Undoubtedly there will be tears, screams, and profanity under breath, and of course, I get upset too.  The Nauts are very intricate weavers, and cannot be undone with just a good shampoo and conditioner.  That helps, but you must first brush them all out.

I know Princess and I will come though this together.  After all, I once dealt with ”Da Nassy Nauts” as well.  Although I refuse to follow the route my parents took with me…….they cut my long beautiful curly hair off!  I will be stronger than this, Princess will be stronger than this.  WE WILL OVERCOME DA NASSY NAUTS!

But, it is getting difficult.  The longer her hair is, the harder they work to destroy it.  And more time consuming and painful the solution becomes.  Often Princess wants me to stop before all of the offenders are out, but luckily she still trusts my judgement when I tell her “Da Nassy Nauts” will just multiply if not quickly taken care of.  So remember Princess and her daily struggle with Da Nauts and say an extra prayer on Tuesdays and Wednesdays – they days Mommy goes to work early, and (cue dramatic music) DADDY fixes our hair!

The evidence of their destruction is below, even on Christmas Day, ”Da Nassy Nauts” wreak havoc!